Letting It Go
My routine has been totally off for a couple of weeks now and it isn’t pleasant. Taking the bus and jogging isn’t an option at the moment because of foot issues, and that has somehow translated into a motivational crisis where I suddenly can’t even seem to peel myself out of bed at 5:30 like I’d been doing for the past year. That lack of time also means I’m barely (or hardly depending on how you look at it) keeping up with my post-commute gym routine.
On the plus side I finally went in to the doctor for the first time in like a billion years, no longer afraid of being told what a horrible job I’m doing at taking care of my own body. Everything was “excellent” except my cholesterol, which is only slightly high (in the “nearly optimal” range).
It’s time to admit that I have a lot of fears, and I want to let them go. I’m not going to be afraid to say “no” any more because as much as I hate disappointing other people, there is just too much burden that comes from trying to make everyone I care about happy. Fearing rejection and abandonment is another thing that has to go. I’ve always had a problem with over-needing acceptance. Recently, for obvious reasons, that has blossomed into a lack of self-confidence.
I stayed in a pretty bad seven year relationship, trying desperately to make things work, worried I wasn’t good enough to do better. More recently my open-minded and trusting nature blinded me to the implosion of a six year relationship (and almost 5 year marriage).
At first I thought that maybe time to myself was what I needed, to get away from all the external pressures to find “myself”. I’m realizing instead I need a crash course in fearlessness. Personality isn’t just natural tendency, it is the active choices we make every day. I need to remember that. Being afraid to make mistakes and get hurt just isn’t me. I’m not looking to make mistakes, but I’m not going to try to avoid them either.
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- mattyscondom said: youre so cute
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- thomcubby said: You’re looking very handsome :) Glad your health is decent. And I think letting go and going with whatever comes at you is very healthy considering the state of things. If a mistake happens, it happens. its how you react to that mistake that matters.
- jthurteau posted this